Wednesday, March 31, 2010

It's my civic duty to convince the Ritz to offer pay-per-view porn. You're welcome.

I’m headed to our nation’s capital this weekend.   The success of the trip will be determined by (a) how much sleep I get, and (b) whether or not there are any cool and/or mildly psychotic protests going on while I am there.  I’m staying at the Ritz, which makes me happy, because I’ll be able to steal some more pens and, hopefully, replace the sad grey chocolate at the bottom of my purse.  

It’s been a month since I’ve stayed at a Ritz so they’ve had some time to get their affairs in order.  As previously discussed here, I was alarmed to discover last month that the Ritz does not make porn available to their customers.  They should know that porn is a necessary feature of all the best hotels, almost as necessary and important as the minibar.  Doesn’t the Ritz-Carlton know that people who stay at the Ritz can AFFORD porn and are likely repressed and not getting any at home and are probably ordering hookers up to their rooms anyway?

I’m really not unnaturally obsessed with porn.  I swear.  I don’t even (ok, hardly ever) order it.  It’s the PRINCIPLE of the thing.  Why can I get porn at the Holiday Inn, but not the Ritz?  The Holiday Inn doesn’t even have a minibar. 

My theory on the whole no-porn thing has something to do with a high-level executive of the Ritz-Carlton getting busted by his wife with a MASSIVE porn collection and after unsuccessfully trying to deny that the mountain of freaky porn in the basement was his, having to promise that he will never EVER be around porn EVER again and especially, for some reason, not at work.  But this is just a theory.
See? Even the phallic lion symbol wants it.

I consider it my civic duty to correct this injustice (and point out the obvious flaw in their business plan) so I sent a strongly-worded email to the Ritz Carlton “Contact Us” people.  It went something like this…

Dear Ritz-Carlton,

I recently stayed at your Key Biscayne property.  Good job.  The windows were really clean and sparkly.

But, seriously, why no porn?  This oversight might be enough to force me to take my business to the Holiday Inn.

Thank you.

(P.S. Love the pens!)

I’ll let you know if I get a response. 


Evidently, some of you were concerned about the enormous amount of crap that I carry around in my purse on a daily basis.  I deeply appreciate your concern and because I care that you care, I have consolidated my lip balms and now carry only one instead of three.  XO


  1. Some boutique hotels provide a "romance kit" containg a vibrator, lube, and condoms.

  2. you and your porn and pens....

  3. Love this post! Thanks so much for stopping by my place and leaving me some comment love.

    I have my own issues w/ the Ritz, but that is a blog post for another day! LOL

  4. So the Ritz is too good for porn? Not that I (hardly ever) order it either, I just sort of assumed that it was a standard thing you could find at hotels. Business men traveling alone get lonely ya know.

  5. Thank you for stopping by my blog today :)

    I can't believe there's no porn! What's a lonely business traveler to do?

  6. Amanda - my boyfriend would like me to tell you "THANK YOU". I have no idea what he's talking about. ;)

  7. I really hope they respond.

    Once I wrote a strongly worded email to my local radio station about them ending Christmas music at noon on Christmas day. Seriously, what kind of jerkfaces do that? They'd been playing it since November 1st. A few more hours on the day of celebration wouldn't hurt. To my surprise they actually responded. The following year the music continued through December 26. I like to think my letter had something to do with it.

    You're right about that lion. Dirty...

  8. I'm impressed that you order hotel porn, I don't know anybody who does (or will admit to it). I figure as long as they have free internet, why pay for porn? Unless you're looking for more of a plot.

  9. Lou - I'm sure the baby Jesus would have done the same thing. Good for you!

    OG - It's the principle and my constitutional right! And internet porn gives me the skeeves.

  10. Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you. Now when I'm feeling porny at the Ritz, I'll think of you, with gratitude.

  11. are the Good Will Ambassador of Porn! :)

  12. oh my I have found a super blogger...