Sunday, May 2, 2010

Why it's really too bad that apartments don't have fences

I have an apartment that faces the San Francisco Bay.

If you step out onto my mini-balcony you can see this...

And this...

If you stand on your tippy-toes, you can see real live water!

But these are not the only views that I have.

"Get OUT, Jane!"...I'm sure you are saying right now.  "How could it get any better than that?!"

Well, if you stand on my mini-balcony and look down, you can also see this...

I have a mini-feud going with the woman in the apartment underneath me, of which this poop thing may or may not be a part.  I haven't quite figured out if there is bitchy passive-aggressive poop intent or whether it can all be attributed to sheer laziness.

Some background is required here...

When I moved in to this complex almost three years ago, the Princess was eight.  As many of you may know, eight-year olds, as a rule, don't walk anywhere - they run, gallop, skip, prance and cartwheel.  Within the first month of our being in this apartment, the woman below us had called the police on us TWICE for, get this, "running noises".

Let me add that the alleged running noises were reported at approximately 7:00 in the evening each time.  Prime after-dinner cartwheel time.

Each time a sheepish-looking police officer would show up at my door and explain the reason for his being there.  I, in turn, would explain that eight-year olds RUN and what would he, exactly, like me to do about this.  Never having a good answer to this question, he would blush and look totally embarrassed and mumble something to the effect of "maybe ask her to slow down?".

Both times, the Princess cowered behind me and was traumatized by the fact that the police had shown up at her apartment because, in her eight-year old mind, she had done something bad.

I'm a single-girl, so I don't generally go pounding on stranger's doors - but trust me when I say that I would have gone down there in a heartbeat with my pink baseball bat in hand if I didn't think that she would've immediately called the police on me.

After the second time, I went and had a long discussion with the complex manager about the rules surrounding noise restrictions and what exactly the concept of 'harassment' might look like.

In turn, the complex manager sent a very nice "yah, um, please shut the hell up because you're ALLOWED to run around your apartment as long as it's before 10:00" letter to the woman downstairs.

Turns out that the Princess and I can make as much damn noise as we please before 10:00 pm!  She can practice her violin or pound on the piano (which I am VERY supportive of - in the interest of artistic development, of course) and I can hold happy hour parties and fart loudly out the window if I am so inclined and it's before 10:00.

I haven't heard from her since.

So what, you ask, does this have to do with poop on the patio?

Well, it also turns out the woman downstairs has a very large dog who makes very large poop and she rarely takes this big power-pooping dog outside.

So it just shits all over her balcony.  This somewhat distracts from my pretty view.

I happened to mention this in passing to my leasing office buddy the other day.  He laughed and told me that, with all the rain we'd been having lately, the dog shit on this woman's balcony had drifted to the drain in the balcony and clogged it up.  So all of the rain water and dog poop, having nowhere else to go, flooded into her apartment.

Ah, karma.


  1. I usually like to make humorous comments on blogs but your situation is not funny. You have photographs, send them with a written complaint to your city. Most cities have ordinances against animal waste. I would send a copy of the letter to your landlord (not property mangers who could care less).
    We had neighbors on both sides of us who let their dogs out to crap in our yard. We sent a letter to animal control WITH pictures. Both neighbors received fines!!! It stopped!

    BTW I recognize the view... I grew up in San Carlos (little higher up and further from the bay, but hey.)

  2. You have a pink baseball bat? Way cute!

  3. YES. HA! I'm so glad she got hers.

    Clearly that woman is mentally ill. Who the hell would want to live in filth like that?

    Wonderful view otherwise!

  4. The joys of shared walls (and floors/ceilings). At least you don't have to mow the lawn (and risk stepping in poop).

  5. Ha, awesome!! Would she noticed if you leaned your ass over the railing, and took a shit down there too? You should do it!

  6. Wow... she sure showed you! I'm sure you will tip-toe from now on, to make sure her dog poop doesn't flood her apartment again. Oh, wait...

  7. You didn't hear this from me, but dogs love antifreeze. They'll lap it up until it kills them. Just sayin'.....

    Hope your view and her carpet gets cleaner very soon.

  8. bwahahaha. First, yay karma. Second, ewwww poop. How gross that she lets her dog poop out there and doesn't pick it up.

    We have neighbors above us who have a 3 year old boy. He likes to run and jump off the couch(or fall, not really sure what he's doing sometimes), but we've never complained, because he's a CHILD and of course he's going to run around!

    Now, the fighting neighbors next to us who wake us up at 3am, not so fun.

  9. Robert - Excellent advice. I think she's lazy and afraid of the snipers that appear out of the bushes in Northern CA if you don't pick up your dog's poo. I shall create a library of poo pictures and, as soon as I'm not illegally housing a dog myself, TURN HER IN!

    JP - I do have a pink baseball bat. It was Mother's Day gift from the Boy two years ago! Go figure.

    Salt - I so agree. It has gotten worse since I took that picture a dog poo mine field.

    Wow - I'm too lazy to mow the lawn. I would hire somebody to do it and pay them extra to step around the dog poo.

    RN Mama - Funny you should say that! The Boy thinks I should just hold Ted up over my balcony railing and let him shit on her balcony too. All the cool dogs are doing it.

    Woman - I've started cartwheeling in the apartment too. Just cuz now I know I can.

    MikeWJ - Oh...antifreeze for the DOG! (not the neighbor?)

    Cathy - Wanna borrow my pink baseball bat for the neighbors?

  10. Holy POOP!

    I cannot believe the nerve of some people!

    I have a dog and I still take him for walks when it rains...and I even pick up the poop when he is done!

  11. I'm still reeling that someone called the POLICE for "running noises" of a child and that the police showed up for that. Whatthemotherfuck. I have a shit ton of kids and rent a house... I can't imagine renting in a building. I feel ya girl.

    About the poo... KARMA. ;)

  12. Hahaha thats funny! But also sad that this woman called the cops on a little 8 year old...aww poor princess! That would terrify my daughter! You should just throw random shit down on deck to add to the poo!
    Also, I dont know why my sweet reads wont go to your reader?

  13. Yikes! Some asshat wanted to stop your daughter from making running noises at 7 at night? Police involved? Too frickin' much. Maybe the poop is karma against HER.

  14. Ha! This is fabulous! I love that she caused her own downfall (or flood). I hate neighbor problems more than anything!

    And, with that, let me just say that I think I have already fallen in love with your blog.

  15. See? What goes around comes around. Karma's a bitch. Aren't you glad that happened to her? LOL! SO gross that she just left it there. Maybe I'm a little anal (pun intended), but I clean our dog's poop up daily...