Monday, May 31, 2010

I drank nothing but juice all weekend and didn't kill anybody. Yeah!

So I decided to try something.  A cleanse.  A cleanse of body and closet.

It was the perfect time, really.  The Princess was going to be with her dad all weekend.  I could lock myself away for a couple of days and see what happened.

Cleanse of body, you ask.  How would one do that?


Notice the kick-ass bendy straw.  

Yes, juice.  All juice.  Nothing but juice.  All weekend.

And not just any juice.  Juice with veggies and fruit and nuts other shit I'd just rather not know about.

About a week ago, as I lay on my couch with a box of Cheese Nips and a glass of wine, I decided that I needed to kick start some healthier living.  So I did some research online, ordered the Blueprint Cleanse for Friday delivery, poured another glass of wine and toasted my impending healthiness.

On Friday, I locked myself in and started.

The idea is that you get 6 juices to drink over the course of the day.  Just juice.  No food.  This gives your digestive system a chance to take a break and eventually curbs your craving for processed carbs and Cheese Nips.  Or that's the theory.

(I should note here that the Blueprint Cleanse people don't actually claim to curb cravings for Cheese Nips.  That's a claim that is just so fantastic that the FDA would most certainly want to regulate their juice as a drug.)

I also decided that this was also the perfect opportunity to cleanse my overstuffed closet.

My non-scientific findings...

Oh, who am I kidding.  I've got nothing interesting to write about.  I drank juice, I was a bitch to anybody who dared call me, I lost a few pounds, I tried to bribe a friend to bring me a steak, I took five bags of stuff to Goodwill and I found a Marc Jacobs bag in the back of my closet that I forgot about.

Also, I am happy to report that I have been back on solid-ish food for a whole day and have not yet had a Cheese Nip.

I give it a week.


  1. damn, now I want cheez-its. Cheese Nips are gross.

    I just had a bagel. It's 12:30 AM on a Monday night. What am I doing with my life?

    I think I need juice


  2. I did that master clease last year and I felt great until I ate a freiken animal craker! It was over after that!

  3. I've heard of this juice cleanse thing...I couldn't do it. I get really crabby when I'm hungry and I don't think juice would fill me up enough. Yay for finding a lost bag!

  4. I tried to do a 7-day cleanse last week and came dangerously close to pooping myself, so I think I'm officially out of the running for a juice fast!

  5. I don't handle hunger very gracefully, so I don't know how this would work out for me. I also don't handle not being able to drink wine on the weekends.

    Yeah I'm probably not a good candidate for this.

  6. I've never braved a juice cleanse, but definitely know I could benefit from one. Right now I am eating Panda Express. Could I be any unhealthier? Maybe I'll try a Diet Coke cleanse...☺

  7. This cracked me up! I thought you summed it up really well with, "I drank juice, I was a bitch to anybody who dared call me, I lost a few pounds..."

  8. Amanda - There's a difference between Cheeze Its and Cheese Nips? How did I not know this?! I have no idea what I've been eating. It's the Cheddar Jack flavor. The cracker itself is overrated...I just like licking the cheese off of my fingers. Maybe that's my new dietary plan...just lick the cheese off of the cracker.

    Jessica - Did you have to drink gross green juice in the Master Cleanse?

    Cathy - Remarkably, I wasn't hungry at all. They give you so much freakin' juice that all you do is drink and pee.

    Bev - Wow. I could never do 7 days. I pooped out after 2 (haha..."pooped").

    Salt - I didn't crave wine at all. Seriously...when is the last time THAT has happened?! I'm a little too much like the serial wine drinkers on Cougar Town. But just because of the wine drinking...not the cougar thing (((clearing throat))).

    Hannah - I'm going to investigate a "red wine cleanse" for next time.

    Cindy - It's a miracle that I still have a boyfriend.

  9. I recently cut back our Mango Cosmo consumption and my wife decided to clear out and close the storage unit we rent monthly. Wondering if there is some psychic connection here?

  10. So, did you get the shits or what??

  11. Oh my goodness. It feels like you've been gone for... forever. Is that too stalky and weird of me to say? I'm glad you're back. And Jane, it's Cheez-its. Not Cheeze-its. Geez! Pay attention to spelling, will ya?

  12. I will drink only juice for 4 weeks, I will give up wine for 5 weeks, if only I can discover a Marc Jacobs in my closet!!!!!!!

  13. I'm with Amanda . . . Cheez-Its are the king of the cheeze-based snack mountain.

    A juice diet? That sounds like it could have some rather disconcerting side effects.

  14. Agreed - Cheez-its are really the way to go here. I have lost a small bit of respect for you after finding out that you are a cheese nip person.

  15. I'm with WhiteSockGirl — I'll pretty much do anything to find something special in my closet. It wouldn't have to be a Marc, though — it could be Gary, Paul, Greg, Jeff ...

  16. i knew you were my bff for a reason...cheese-its and chardonnay are my nightly poison....i blame it on the 4 year old...sure am glad you did this before NY may need it again AFTER...

  17. no I had to drink salt water, and a lemonade mixture of lemons, cyenne pepper, and maple syrup..mmmmmm