Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Banana slugs and songs about poop and your tax dollars at work

I mentioned a few weeks back that the Princess was going away to camp for a week.  She went with her 5th grade class to a campsite in nature somewhere to learn about nature-stuff that, God-knows, her mother will never be able to teach her.

It's pretty cool actually.  It's an opportunity that has been offered to every 5th grader in the county since the 60's.

Needless to say, the Princess was absolutely jacked about this trip.  She loved every second and was very very sad when she got home because she missed nature and friends and being far away from parental oversight.

Her teacher made a video of the highlights from the week and in true California "we need to raise money any way we can because you're fuckin' lucky that we still have schools" fashion, the PTA made it available to the kids for $25.00.

Definitely money well spent.

The Princess brought the DVD home this week and we popped it in.

And I walk away from said DVD with two observations about this week in the woods...

First, California is teaching our children to terrorize innocent slugs.

If the kids kissed - yes, kissed - a banana slug, they were admitted into the "Banana Slug Club".  If you're not familiar with the banana slug, it is a large yellow slug that looks like - wait for it - a banana.  The Banana Slug Club is apparently quite the little badge of honor.  The Princess tells me that they were taught to kiss the slug with their lips curled in, however, so as to not damage the frail slug.

I doubt this makes the slugs feel any better things.

I can't help but think that banana slugs in the greater San Francisco Bay Area must HATE the month of May, when these 5th graders are turned loose on their habitats.  Imagine how horrifying it must be to be minding your own banana slug business and casually look up only to find a giant pair of pre-adolescent lips coming at you...

I give it another few years of evolution and those slugs are going to be fucking READY...

This can't end well.

Second, California is teaching our children songs about shit.

Near the end of the wholesome camping DVD (slug kissing and all), there is a wholesome shot of all of the kids sitting around the campfire with their camp counselors singing their little hearts out.

The only problem with this scene is the song.

I'm smiling as I watch this part because the scene is so cute.  The Princess elbows me in the ribs and says "Watch this...I LOVE this song!".  And I watch in amazement as 100+ 5th graders belt out...


Scuse me?

Let me start off by saying that, until fairly recently, I was only familiar with the word "scat" as: (a) something you say to a stray cat; and (b) whatever it is that Scatman Crothers used to do.

I was educated on the other meaning for scat not long ago during a drunken conversation that involved one-upping the last person on "grossest human behavior".  Sex and poop?  You win, dude.

But these 5th graders were so damn happy.  The counselor could even be heard telling the kids "How many times in your life are you going to be able to sing about poop during school hours?"

How can I argue with that?!  Sigh.

Poop.  We'll leave it at that and assume that the state of California is not familiar with Urban Dictionary.

A couple of comments on the last post.

1.  Y'all are Cheese Nip HATERS!  Ok ok...I was is actually Cheddar Jack CHEEZ ITS (CHEEZ without an "E") in my pantry.  And I'm not just saying that because I want to be cool.  Although I do.  Regardless, there needs to be a little more Nip tolerance in the world, people.

2.  And for those of you who were evidently hoping for some kind of juice-related digestive trauma story, I got nothing.  In fact, my ass was so happy after all that healthy juice shit that it could kiss, well, my ass.  (I'll leave you to come up with a visual for that one.)


  1. omgosh! that is adorable. I would so love to have had a teacher like that. I would have taught them the (lets talk dirty to) The Animals song by Gilda Radner. It would have been a firing but so worth it to hear a group of kids sing "eat shit mr bear" - guess its a good thing Im not a teacher

  2. Well kids talking about poop is aways fun for them. Wow I'm amazed that they got everyone to kiss a slug. I know I wouldn't be doing it.

  3. I'm wondering if this camp was in Santa Cruz, where their school mascot is the beloved Banana Slug. Californians are so frickin' weird!
    I love your "artwork!"

  4. Is it bad that I was hoping the they'd be singing about "sh*t" and not "scat"? Obviously, I'm not a parent. I'm off to look up the meaning of scat on

    That's good that your daughter had a good time. I imagine these kind of trips can go one of two ways!

  5. If she needs to learn more camp songs about poop you can send her to the camp I went to as a kid:

    So much nature it'll make her sick.

    My personal favorite:

    Dan, Dan, the lavatory man
    Chief inspector of the outhouse clan
    He issues the tissues, the paper and the towels,
    And Listenin' to the various bowels

    Down, down, down beneath the ground
    All the little poopies go swimmin' around
    Dan, Dan, the lavatory man
    Scoops up the poopies in his old tin can!

    My 2nd favorite begins: Oh Johnny Rebeck, Oh Johnny Rebeck How could you be so mean? We told you you'd be sorry for inventing that machine. Now all the neighbor's cats and dogs will never more be seen. They'll all be ground to sausages in Johnny Rebeck's machine.

    I got a million of 'em kids

  6. Holy Shit! You should seriously think about sending Princess to Space Camp next year.

    Uh, any way you could upload that video to YouTube? Definitely sounds like "viral" material to me!

  7. Silly fifth graders! Banana slugs don't have lips. Wait. Let me re-read that.

  8. I bet the slugs in LA are already packing heat.

    You couldn't pay me to make out with one of those things.

  9. Who the fuck came up with an idea to kiss a banana slug?

    This is totally going to give all of the perverted little boys in her school an idea...

    "Hey, kiss my "banana slug" and you're automatically placed into the "banana sucking... I mean banana slug club" All the cool girls do it.

  10. First of all, why would anyone bother with anything other than White Cheddar Cheez-Its? There is no justifiable reason.


    B) Seriously, way more people in churches and schools and other institutions where Prudes work (my apologies to prudes or churches or schools if they feel offended) need to familiarize themselves with urban dictionary. It is shameful and disgusting what they end up accidentally promoting because of nothing more than ignorance. The tools are here, people. It's called the internet. Just do 6 seconds of research and you can avoid unwittingly teaching kids about dirty stuff that you don't even know exists. Is it ironic that people who know about these things are the ones being appropriate with kids because they know what NOT to say?

  11. You have a lovely blog! Very honest and sincere. Good job :)

  12. I'm speechless about the slugs and the shit song. Although I shouldn't be, tonight I asked my daughter what her favorite game was, and without hesitation she replied "Toilet Tag." WTF?

  13. Always love your stuff!

    Just gave you an award on my blog! Congrats :-)

  14. I was just watching an episode of The Big Bang Theory when they mentioned Banana Slugs. I grew up in Castro Vallley (I live in Michigan now) and went to camp in 6th grade in The Santa Cruz mountains and of course, I kissed a banana slug. My little cousin asked me, "What's a banana slug?". So I googled it nd showed him a pic and then I came across your blog. Hilarious! thanks for the memories!