Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Ironic headline of the week: Porn star f**ks the Ritz-Carlton

The Ritz-Carlton is horrified that it is in the news this week, and all because of a porn star.  Ironic, no?

Poor Ritz-Carlton.  They try so hard to distance themselves from the unsavory elements of proper society only to end up face-to-face with scorned porn star hate.

According to the New York Daily News and TMZ, Ms. Josyln James - porn star extraordinaire and ex-Tiger Woods mistress - traveled from LA to Charlotte for an appearance at a local strip club.  When she tried to check-in to the Ritz-Carlton in Charlotte, she was told essentially that there was "no room at the inn" and "oops, we cancelled your reservation but only because you're a media-whoring tramp".


Ms. James was PISSED and immediately called her attorney (because this is what everybody does when their hotel reservation doesn't work out...right?).

Ms. James' attorney, Gloria Allred, who has made her name of late as the "Tramps 'R Us" attorney (motto: You screw 'em and then I will!), quickly fired off a very business-like, official-looking letter to the Ritz-Carlton in the defense of her poor tired bedraggled porn star client - and then leaked it to TMZ...

Real letter...(with commentary, of course)...

*****

David Rothwell
General Manager
The Ritz-Carlton, Charlotte
201 East Trade Street
Charlotte, NC 28202
David.Rothwell@ritzcarlton.com (in case you want to email your love and supportive comments)

Dear Mr. Rothwell,

I represent Veronica Siwik-Daniels aka Joslyn James (I think she should've stuck with "Veronica").  It has come to my attention (i.e. she was screaming at my assistant on the phone) that a reservation was made several weeks ago for Ms. James to stay at The Ritz-Carlton, Charlotte, North Carolina for April 29, April 30 and May 1, 2010.

Ms. James is a well known celebrity (celebrity?) who was scheduled to appear and perform at a local nightclub (strip club) during her stay in Charlotte.  At the time that the reservation was made, the booking agent (part-time strip club manager) informed your staff that Ms. James was a high profile guest (is notorious the same as high profile?) and provided her name to your hotel in order to be sure that appropriate security (to protect her from screaming fans?) would be provided at the Ritz-Carlton, Charlotte, N.C.

(This is where I speculate what happened.  The strip club manager says to the Ritz "um, a Ms. Josyln James needs a reservation" and the Ritz says "ok" and the strip club manager says "she'll be needing 'security'" and the Ritz says "ok, yah, whatever" and then the conversation is over.  THEN for shits and giggles, the Ritz googles this Josyln James person and says "OH HELL NO".  Anyway...)

Ms. James is aware of the high-standards of the Ritz-Carlton (does she know that they won't show any of her porn?) and was very much looking forward to her stay (this is relevant...because...?).  She knew that by staying at the Ritz she would be able to experience the service and quality of hospitality that would help to prepare her for her performance (booze from room service, complimentary lotions, Disney channel).  Unfortunately, however, after a long and tiring journey from Los Angeles, Ms. James was shocked (SHOCKED!) to learn when she arrived at the airport in Charlotte that her reservations had been cancelled (shit...she didn't even have to go all the way to the hotel).  Alternative arrangements to stay elsewhere had to be made quickly (there's a Travel Lodge down the road, sister).  While this was disturbing (happens to us little people all the time - shrug), even more troublesome appeared to be the reason for the cancellation.

Your staff indicated that the reason for the cancellation was that she was a high profile guest (i.e. fame-whoring slut) and they were concerned about media attention (we have the text (Joslyn texts?  Get OUT!  Oh yah...) from your staff that proves this).  This made no sense, because we know that other high profile guests have been welcome at the Ritz-Carlton in the past.

(This is my favorite part.)

For example, I am a high profile lawyer (Oh Gloria, stop it!) who has stayed at the Ritz-Carlton (Bachelor Gulch) and I was permitted to do television interviews for the Today Show and other television shows inside the Ritz-Carlton, when I was a guest there.  (But Gloria...you're only a media whore...not a real whore.)

Our concern as to the real reason for the cancellation was heightened when we later (realized that we could get some free press?) learned that Tiger Woods was in Charlotte, N.C. and might (might?...lawyers never ever use the word "might") have been staying at the Ritz-Carlton, Charlotte, N.C. for the same weekend that Ms. James planned to be there.  The issue of whether or not Mr. Woods was staying at the Ritz was reportedly mentioned on the radio (96.1 The Beat) (so it MUST be true!).  As a result we are now forced to ask the question, "Was Josyln James cancelled at the Ritz-Carlton, because Tiger Woods was staying there or was expected to arrive?"  (Say it ain't so Ritz...)

If so, we are appalled to think that you might have chosen to accommodate a rich, famous golfer who admitted lying to his wife, his fans, his business associates and others over a woman whose (this is my second favorite part) heart he has broken, and whose only fault is that she fell madly in love with Tiger Woods. (It seems to me, again, that these are all words that should never EVER be used in a letter from an attorney.)

We believe that Joslyn is owed an explanation for this cancellation of a reservation.  (Explanation - Yo Biatch, the Ritz didn't want to be associated with you!)

No guest or potential guest deserves to be treated in this thoughtless manner.  If in fact you were trying to protect Mr. Woods, I have to question your decision.  As a now infamous golfer (as opposed to your now infamous porn star client?) who has been involved in scandal for many months, Mr. Woods certainly must have adequate security to protect himself (but apparently no condoms).  Also, Ms. James has no desire to see, speak to or be in the presence of the man who has deliberately hurt her in the way that Mr. Woods has (i.e. from heavy spanking).

On her behalf, I respectfully request that the Ritz-Carlton conduct a thorough investigation of this regrettable incident, and at it's conclusion we look forward to an appropriate remedy.  (Just send her some goddamn pens and maybe show her movies on pay-per-view.  Yeesh.)

Very truly yours,

Gloria Allred

*****

Actually, the only one that I'm judging in this whole incident is not the Ritz, or even Ms. James (who can strip or do porn or sell her story or release private text messages for fame to her heart's content...whatever).

The only real revelation here is that GLORIA ALLRED WRITES LIKE SHIT!  

WTF?!

16 comments:

  1. Shut up! Your commentary was too much!! What is it with the Ritz and porn? And is it just me, or if that bra was off in the picture would that girls tits sag down to her knees??

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  2. People seriously piss me off!!!
    Ya kinda just want to punch the shit out of her (big boobs and the attorney)!!!

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  3. This is great. I love your condom and spanking comments. Is Gloria for real to think that the "Poor, innocent Joslyn who was wronged by Tiger" angle is going to get her a stay at the Ritz?! As an aside, I think that Joslyn looks like a sleazy version of Sarah Palin. She could be her stunt double.
    Cheers,
    Robyn

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  4. I want to fucking kick her in the taco.

    (I'm a little testy tonight.)

    Very nice commentary btw.

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  5. I have nothing to say to this expect...

    BRAVO.

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  6. Your comment on Life is Better in Heels about nice people on facebook cracked me up.

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  7. Aw! Poor Baby! She actually expects pity, or possibly a settlement? Good Lord...

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  8. Is this Gloria person real? Or, is she another made up person like "Joslyn James?"
    Oh! And why does that picture remind me of Tina Fey?

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  9. Awww her and Gloria are PERFECT for each other!

    Those are some totally real boobs if I've ever seen them.

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  10. RN Mama - The Boy saw your comment and says that if you released the boobs from the bra, they would not hit her knees - they would actually hit her nose. Or so he's heard.

    Nikki - I agree. And then they could extort money from you and leak the demand letter to TMZ.

    Robyn - And why would she even WANT to stay there after all that? Evidently, the Westin had pity on her and took her in. AND the Westin shows her "films". Match made in heaven!

    Elle - Love the timely taco comment for Cinco de Mayo.

    JP - ((Takes bow))

    Cindy - Had totally forgetten about asshats on Facebook. Thanks for the reminder!

    Suldog - This is the woman that is still waiting for an apology from Tiger. Could be awhile.

    IT - You can't make up names like "Gloria". And yes, there very definitely seems to be a Tina Fey/Sarah Palin porn thing going on there.

    Salt - The Boy says that it's one of the worst boob jobs he's ever, um, "heard about".

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  11. Seriously? Her lawyer wrote that? And she is actually paying for that ish service? This is a classic OMG moment.

    Love your commentary. Brilliant ! You are insane. (Damn, I say that a lot about you!)

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  12. I feel badly for her plight. Tell you what, the next time she is in town, Ms. James can stay at my house.

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  13. I think you're hysterical! I've been going from blog to blog trying to find the good ones and this one just cracked me up! I'm new to the blogging world, so just wanted to say hi and thank you because I was in need of a good laugh tonight :-)

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  14. This is great! Bravo- love your commentary. It's spot on and hysterical.

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  15. I've not really followed this Tiger Woods thing...he was a big ol' ho bag, wasn't he? Good and entertaining job on keeping those of us who live in a cave (me) informed.

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