Sunday, April 25, 2010

But I really really meant to give you a sacrificial goat! I'm so sorry Technorati. Please love me again.

Once upon a time, a little girl named Jane decided that she wanted to write a blog but she didn't know anything about the blogging.

So she bought a book.  And she learned about this thing called "Blogger".  Jane thought that Blogger was way cool but also way snarky because every once in awhile Blogger would fuck with her by changing all of her fonts and spacing and picture alignment and sizing.  Jane would spend hours trying to change everything back only to be told by Blogger "Nope, not today bitch."

But Jane accepted that she was now in a relationship Blogger - for better or worse - and so she would overlook Blogger's quirkier and/or more masochistic qualities for the greater good.

So Jane read more of the book and the book told her that she must go and befriend Technorati.  Technorati is a blog-claiming service that "claims" your blogs and then uses some super-secret technology to help other people find your blog in their directory.  I guess.

The book evidently forgot to mention that when one submits a blog to Technorati for "claiming" that one should also provide a live goat for sacrifice as well.


Jane submitted her blog to Technorati on February 15th.  When she didn't hear anything after a month, she checked the Technorati FAQs which said that this was somewhat normal and that it takes a lot of time to sacrifice all those goats and just chill the fuck out for a bit.

And then Jane forgot all about it.  

So it was somewhat a surprise to her when on Friday, she got an email from Technorati that stated...

"This is an automatically-generated email.

Thank you for submitting your blog claim on Technorati.  Unfortunately, we encountered a problem reading your blog (bad writing? not funny? no goat?).  Our engineers are investigating and we will update your claim status as soon as we are able (to sacrifice more goats?)."

"Well, ok," she thought.  "There's a problem but they're looking into it.  Sometimes I encounter problems reading my blog too because it's not funny.  I understand COMPLETELY."

But then 2 minutes later she got the same email.  And then 2 minutes after that she got the SAME email. This started on Friday.  It is now Sunday.  Every 2 minutes without fail the same email shows up.

Jane found this slightly amusing and then really annoying and has slowly graduated to full-on pissed off.

And this only reflects the emails that I didn't already delete in various fits of crazy

So of course you all are thinking "So did Jane contact Technorati to stop this madness?"

As a matter of fact, she did.  But Technorati is so advanced and so all about itself, it has figured that it doesn't NEED customer service.  It has outsourced all technology issues/questions to another service, that...ok get this...asks you to POST YOUR QUESTION AND/OR EMERGENCY on a public discussion board and then you have to wait for a techy-type person who may, or MAY NOT, work for the company that you are pissed at to post a response to your question.

I am certain that this is because there are no longer human beings at Technorati....only robots.

"But I don't HAVE a goat!"

Anyway, Jane did as she was told and posted her question with the appropriate number of exclamation points to vocalize her pissed-offness.  Sometime around 4 AM on Friday night, a techy-type person who says she actually WORKS for Technorati, but who I think actually just lives in the robot dungeon with the goats, promised that she'd get on it ASAP.  

That was Friday.  It's Sunday and every 2 minutes I get another email.

It won't stop.


I need a goat.


  1. Holy Hell, you've got to be kidding me! That is all kinds of crazy...and I have never even heard of this company you speak of.

    If you want a better program than blogger to post your blogs, use Windows Live Writer. It is 100 times better than blogger as far as posting pictures and changing font and what not. I use Live Writer, hit publish, and then it mysteriously posts my post to my blogger blog:) No goats, or anything.

  2. Heard of Technorati, but never used it. Guess I won't be doing that anytime soon.

  3. It's funny but it's not!!! I'm sorry for the 900+ emails!!! I can only hope you get this fixed REAL soon!

  4. I signed up for Technorati back in the day, but had no fing clue what it was supposed to do. Obvously I haven't hit the big time yet, so Technorati can suck it.

    Sorry about the mass email. Send that shit to spam woman!

  5. I knew it! I am psychic! Cause I knew it! Knew there must some damn good reason why I did not jump on that Technorati train. Did not know at time that I would have to give up one of the goats on our farms to avoid a stalking robot. Not so sure if I would have been willing to dip into the meat supplies. But then I am so vain, I would love any kind of stalking…

    Do hope that you would be able to sort out the e-mail situation.

  6. and this is why I don't get too fancy with my blog...

  7. That's nuts about the emails. WTF? I have a feeling large robots are controlling most things in the world.

    Love your illustration, btw. Can I hire you to do some for me?

  8. Mental note: Do NOT send any information to the Technorati. I'm scared for you!

    Someone needs to tell Technorati Robot that the fly on his robot pants is down.

  9. Your issue with Technorati is very similar to mine... since receiving a important e-mail, I have been wiring money to Nigeria, several thousand dollars in fact, and still they have not sent me my $2 million dollars locked up in Mr. Umbulu's bank. [sigh] I am beginning to wonder if Technorati is headquartered in Nigeria also?

    By the way, I found your blog with no help whatsoever from Technorati.

  10. RN Mama - I need to look into that. I generally fear all things "Windows" but with my track record lately, it certainly can't hurt (famous last words).

    Mike - Smart man!

    Nikki - Thanks!

    Candace - I still don't have a clue what it's supposed to do. I think blog books AND Technorati can suck it.

    Bitch - Crap...I was going to ask you if I could borrow a goat.

    JP - Also, a smart man!

    Lou - I only do pictures in exchange for shoes.

    Salt - I also gave the robot a tiny little robot penis, which you can't see but which made me feel tons better.

  11. I've heard of this thing you speak of, but haven't got a clue about it because I am not of the techno-elite/savvy. I hope by now the emails have stopped?

    This post is hilarious!

  12. Robert - Have you tried sending them a goat?

  13. maybe they want you to sacrifice your only child? Maybe?

  14. OMG. I absolutely LOOOOOVE the drawing! You are rapidly moving up on my list of "must reads".