So...what'cha been up to?

I bet this is what you have been asking non-stop for the last few days.

What the hell HAS Jane been up to?

Well, outside of the whole Technorati stalking episode, let me fill you in.

Friday:
Work.
Flight to Phoenix.
Check in to Ritz Carlton.
Check to see if Ritz Carlton has had change of heart with respect to porn policy because of artfully-worded and emotional letter from Jane.
Nope.  No porn.  Bastards.
Dinner with Boy at sports bar.  Drink bad chardonnay.
Back to hotel.
Watch SportsCenter with Boy.
Sleep.

Saturday:
Sleep in.
Pat Boy on head and send him on his way.
Shop.
Baseball.
Drink bad chardonnay at baseball game.  Why, you ask?  Because I can.
Dinner with Boy and Boy's family and Boy's friends and people that the Boy doesn't really know but who came anyway.
Go back to hotel.
Still no porn.  Fuckin' Ritz.
Watch SportsCenter with Boy.
Sleep.

Sunday:
More sleep.
Boy leaves at some point.  No idea when.  Just really really early.
Blame lack of morning comprehension on bad chardonnay.
Flight to San Francisco.
Drink bad chardonnay on flight.  Hair of the dog.
Get car.  Go home.  Pat Princess on head.  Re-pack suitcase.
Meet Boy at hotel downtown (not Ritz).
Watch SportsCenter with Boy.  Sadly, too tired to watch porn.
Sleep.

Monday:
Wake up.
Pat Boy on head and send him on his way.
Annoying work-type stuff.
Meet friends for many margaritas.
Baseball.
Room service.
Drink good chardonnay.
Watch SportsCenter with Boy.
Sleep.

Tuesday:
Wake up...sort of.
Super annoying work type-stuff.
Fabulous lunch with the Boy.
Pat Boy on head and send him on his way.
More annoying work-type stuff.
Think about shopping but get caught in rain as soon as I leave the hotel.  Take it as a sign that I definitely shouldn't shop.
Shower.
Red Bull.
Baseball.
Bad midnight food with bad chardonnay at only diner open in the entire city of San Francisco.
Watch SportsCenter with Boy.
Sleep.

Wednesday:
Wake up EARLY.
Go home.
Pick up Princess early from school. (Excuse: She has an "appointment".  No need to mention baseball.)  School gives me dirty look.
Drive back downtown to stadium.
Baseball with the Princess.
Eat bad food and great ice cream.  Drink bad chardonnay.
Extra innings baseball.
Meet up with Boy after game for approximately 8.5 seconds before he has to get on a plane.
Go home.
Help Princess with homework that she conveniently forgot she had on the way to the game.
Collapse.
Definitely don't watch SportsCenter.

This may or may not have happened.  I have no actual recollection.

Any questions?

UPDATE - Dear Technorati

From the Technorati "support" board...

But I really really meant to give you a sacrificial goat! I'm so sorry Technorati. Please love me again.

Once upon a time, a little girl named Jane decided that she wanted to write a blog but she didn't know anything about the blogging.


So she bought a book.  And she learned about this thing called "Blogger".  Jane thought that Blogger was way cool but also way snarky because every once in awhile Blogger would fuck with her by changing all of her fonts and spacing and picture alignment and sizing.  Jane would spend hours trying to change everything back only to be told by Blogger "Nope, not today bitch."


But Jane accepted that she was now in a relationship Blogger - for better or worse - and so she would overlook Blogger's quirkier and/or more masochistic qualities for the greater good.


So Jane read more of the book and the book told her that she must go and befriend Technorati.  Technorati is a blog-claiming service that "claims" your blogs and then uses some super-secret technology to help other people find your blog in their directory.  I guess.


The book evidently forgot to mention that when one submits a blog to Technorati for "claiming" that one should also provide a live goat for sacrifice as well.

Goat

Jane submitted her blog to Technorati on February 15th.  When she didn't hear anything after a month, she checked the Technorati FAQs which said that this was somewhat normal and that it takes a lot of time to sacrifice all those goats and just chill the fuck out for a bit.


And then Jane forgot all about it.  


So it was somewhat a surprise to her when on Friday, she got an email from Technorati that stated...


"This is an automatically-generated email.


Thank you for submitting your blog claim on Technorati.  Unfortunately, we encountered a problem reading your blog (bad writing? not funny? no goat?).  Our engineers are investigating and we will update your claim status as soon as we are able (to sacrifice more goats?)."


"Well, ok," she thought.  "There's a problem but they're looking into it.  Sometimes I encounter problems reading my blog too because it's not funny.  I understand COMPLETELY."


But then 2 minutes later she got the same email.  And then 2 minutes after that she got the SAME email. This started on Friday.  It is now Sunday.  Every 2 minutes without fail the same email shows up.


Jane found this slightly amusing and then really annoying and has slowly graduated to full-on pissed off.

And this only reflects the emails that I didn't already delete in various fits of crazy

So of course you all are thinking "So did Jane contact Technorati to stop this madness?"

As a matter of fact, she did.  But Technorati is so advanced and so all about itself, it has figured that it doesn't NEED customer service.  It has outsourced all technology issues/questions to another service, that...ok get this...asks you to POST YOUR QUESTION AND/OR EMERGENCY on a public discussion board and then you have to wait for a techy-type person who may, or MAY NOT, work for the company that you are pissed at to post a response to your question.

I am certain that this is because there are no longer human beings at Technorati....only robots.

"But I don't HAVE a goat!"

Anyway, Jane did as she was told and posted her question with the appropriate number of exclamation points to vocalize her pissed-offness.  Sometime around 4 AM on Friday night, a techy-type person who says she actually WORKS for Technorati, but who I think actually just lives in the robot dungeon with the goats, promised that she'd get on it ASAP.  

That was Friday.  It's Sunday and every 2 minutes I get another email.

It won't stop.

Help.  


I need a goat.

The Douche Douche Award of the Week (because sometimes one “Douche” just isn’t enough)

I realize that this is old news by now (relatively speaking), but since there are some of you out there that are still asking “Volcano? What volcano?”, I figured that there are also many of you out there who have not heard about this…

Sometimes sports fans vomit on each other.  On purpose.

This is so great.  And horrible.  But mostly great, because of this picture, which will likely go down in the Nick Nolte Mug Shot Hall of Fame…

There are somewhat varying accounts, but let me see if I can give you the high-level.

An off-duty cop takes his 15 and 11-year old daughters to a Phillies game.

Two couples sitting behind the off-duty cop and his daughters are drunk and unruly and stupid.  They swear and yell obscenities and spill beer down the backs of the cop and his daughters and are generally douche-y to everyone.

The cop is trying to ignore it.  The 15-year old tells them to please mind their language.

Bad idea.

The friend of drunk fat kid in the mug shot (the co-douche, as it were) hawks a lugee into the hood of the 15-year old’s sweatshirt.  This is, sadly, the least gross part of this story.

The off-duty cop is PISSED.  Security is called and the co-douche is dragged out of the stadium and summarily dumped on his douche-y ass in the parking lot.

Fat kid is now left with the dates (and I bet they are WINNERS, these dates).  He’s kinda upset now that his friend is gone and is thinking that his women are going to think he’s a giant pussy if he doesn’t, like, show everybody what a bad-ass he is and make those little girls PAY for having his friend tossed.

So he STICKS HIS FINGER DOWN HIS THROAT AND INTENTIONALLY VOMITS ON THE 11-YEAR OLD. 

Oh yes.  He.  Did.

The cop and some neighboring fans move to subdue fat kid.  Fat kid starts swinging.  Fans try a little harder.  Fat kid begins to projectile vomit – probably not so much intentionally this time.  After all, there’s only so much beer and hot dogs and beer and nachos and beer and crab fries that one can consume and not throw up after being punched in the gut and, evidently, the eye. 

Fat kid is arrested and charged with assault, harassment and resisting arrest and immediately goes down in "bad fan" history.

I wish that I could take credit for the following comparison... 

...although this seems monumentally unfair to Sloth.

Joe Sports Fan has some other fantastic separated at birth comparisons.

I'll be wearing a rain coat and football helmet to the game I'm going to on Monday.

****

In totally unrelated news and in a minor victory of technology, Lazy Jane's Reader Fav blog roll is up and running ------->>

And there are some late additions (better late than never!), so make sure you also check out...

...by Jeff Tompkins

Cricket and Porcupine

Dose of Reality

House of Lime

The Smitten Image

Somewhere on the Masthead

Too Many Mornings

I'll be updating the list periodically so make sure you continue to send me your true blog loves as the mood strikes.

I now have so many freakin' awesome blogs in my personal blog roll that I can no longer dedicate any time to working, parenting or housekeeping.  Your fault.  

Lazy Jane's Reader Favs - The Inaugural List

It's official.  Y'all kinda rock.

I asked for fantastic blogs to read and you sent me fantastic blogs to read...and I didn't really have to do a damn thing (which is absolutely the best part of all this).  I'll be creating a blogroll of your favs, so let me know if you have someone or something that you want to add.

Here we go...something for everybody...blogs that you can't live without...

2 much testosterone

Adventures of a Yankee Girl

Cafe Fashionista - ...life is a runway

The Checkout Girl

The Chloe Conspiracy

Facts Are Strictly Optional - Life lessons and wisdom from a not so diplomatic diplomat

Fluid Pusher - It's not just a man's job

The Girl Next Door Grows Up - Building character for over 30 years

Glammed if you do...Glammed if you don't

How Could You Not?! - The Boob Nazi

Hyperbole and a Half

i live here: SF

Kat Wilder - A divorced mom muses on life, love and single parenting

Knucklehead!

Life According to Candice

Life By Chocolate: Robyn Alana Engel's Blog

Little Girl. Shiny World - I be bloggin like it's my job

...love maegan

Martinis or Diaper Genies (MODG) - An almost 30 something's dilemma between babies and the selfish life

The Mother Load - Finding sanity in the daily grind: double time

My Fantabulous Wonderful Life - Randomness and all the fun stuff in between

Nicole is Better - More is Better - deliciously vulgar

Out of my Head...Into Yours

Peter DeWolf

Steam Me Up, Kid

A Suburban NYC Housewife-in-Training - A little wine is all it takes...

Suldog - Serving the public need for obvious jokes, maudlin sentimentality, and self-righteous claptrap, since 1957

Unhappy Hipsters - It's lonely in the modern world

What Were You Thinking?

You've Got To Be Kidding Me - Seriously.

**** 

In addition, I'd like to award triple dog extra points to Mrs. Newlywed Giggles and RN Mama for nominating themselves and to Christine at I'm Here for suggesting her ENTIRE blogroll (which must be seriously awesome because it includes me - just sayin).

But the "non-award" Lazy Jane award of the day goes to Amanda over at Dating is Miserable, who not only gave me great suggestions but is drawing her dating life in stick-figures and gave her boobs their own Twitter account.  It doesn't get any more fabulous than that, my friends.

Got blog?

I want your daily blog crack.

Let me explain.

I started blogging a little over two months ago.  One of the goals of this undertaking was to find blogs that I wanted to read and authors that produced interesting and/or funny stuff regularly.

This, it turns out, was harder than I anticipated.

It’s a lot like playing “Duck, Duck, Goose” only more like “Duck, duck, duck, duck, (break to pee) duck, duck, duck, (get another drink), duck, duck, duck, (check TMZ to see what Jon & Kate have been up to today), duck, duck…OOOO great blog – GOOSE”.

There’s so much great content out there.  The number of talented and entertaining bloggers that I have discovered during my search has been heartening.  And it has restored my faith that the entire world has NOT forgotten how to put together grammatically correct sentences – even if I’m not always one of them.

There are also some fabulous blogs with the sole purpose of showcasing talented bloggers.  These are great too!

But I'm impatient and greedy and I want to find more, like, now.  I imagine that many of you would like to find more too.

So in summary, I want you do to my work for me, but still make it seem like I’m doing you a favor.

So…

(1) Send me the 3-5 blogs that you love/can’t live without/read without fail.  You can either provide your list in the comments section or – if you’d prefer to be a little more anonymous about it – send me an email at mylifeasjane@gmail.com.  (If you throw a few bucks IT's way at Well, Oh Yeah!!, I’m sure he’d be happy to send in your blog for you.  He seems pretty entrepreneurial.)

(2) I will compile and publish the list of those blogs that have been reader-identified.  No awards, no self-promotion….just sharing the other blogs and bloggers who you enjoy on a regular basis.

I know that many of us visit the larger/most popular blogs on a regular basis.  You can send those too…just don’t forget the little guys!

Let’s see how it goes and maybe I can keep a running list of reader recommended blogs so that you can check back occasionally and maybe find a new gem or two.

What do you say?  Got blog?

Dusting off the volcanologists for their 10 seconds

I have to admit that up until yesterday, I didn’t know what a “volcanologist” was.   If you had asked me, I probably would have said it was something from Star Trek.

After the eruption of the Eyjafjallajokull volcano in Iceland, all of a sudden they were everywhere.  The TV was erupting volcanologists.

I learned from Matt Lauer that volcanologists are volcano experts – which seems logical enough.   I had assumed that somebody was out there keeping an eye on rouge volcanoes, but never really gave it much thought until now.  I also learned that this eruption is big and important – big enough and important enough to fly Al Roker to Iceland to show us snowball size chunks of ice covered in “ASH!”, which I think just looks like mud, but I’ll humor Al for the moment.

Volcanologists must be giddy.  I bet nobody pays them any attention until something erupts.  And when was the last major volcano eruption that caused this much disruption – 1980?

I can just picture them sitting around in their geeky volcanologist cubicles, trying to get dates online, looking at volcanologist porn and dreaming about the next big eruption (interpret as you will).

So now that something has really erupted, all the TV stations are calling them and begging them to sit down for interviews and explain to the public that volcanoes occasionally erupt and spew ash and stuff and, well, that’s about it because by the time they get to that part of the interview, the entire viewing audience has changed the channel to Judge Judy.

But now that I’ve pondered this for a few seconds, I have questions…

(1) How does one become a volcanologist? Can you major in “Volcano” in college?  Do you just have to sit through “Joe vs. the Volcano” (this would, of course, explain the small number of volcanologists in the world)?

(2) Do volcanologists have seismologist-envy?  I bet after this eruption they were all “IN YOUR FACE, you stupid seismologists” because the seismologists have been getting all the TV time lately, which is not necessarily a bad thing because the seismologists seem to be, as a whole, a more attractive and socialized group than the volcanologists.

(3) How much do volcanologists make?  I actually found the answer to this in a Google search because I had absolutely nothing else to do.   Volcanologists evidently make between $37,000 and $50,000, with the highest salaries hardly ever exceeding $100,000 – unless you become involved in upper management.  Volcanologist upper management?  I’m intrigued.

(4) What the hell kind of volcano name is Eyjafjallajokull?   Don’t Icelanders know that the American media can’t POSSIBLY wrap their heads around a name like that, much less pronounce it?  Most American journalists still can’t pronounce Ahmadinejad….or Bob, for that matter.

So I’ll feel very sad for the volcanologists when the giant Eyjafjallajokull ash cloud clears and nobody cares anymore and they have to retreat back into their volcanologist cubicles (unless, of course, they are volcanologist upper management and have offices).  I hope we see them all again when Mt. Bob erupts.