Monday, January 24, 2011

Oh, Marriott...say it ain't so...

Marriott International announced today that it plans to "phase out" adult pay-per-view movie options in its hotels worldwide.

And another one bites the dust.


If you haven't been following me for long, you probably are not aware that I believe that hotel room porn is a fundamental right.  Like free speech.  And shooting dolphins with assault rifles.

And NOT because I spend a significant amount of time watching hotel room porn.

I just like to read the titles.  Seriously.

Fine, don't believe me.

I first took up the cause back in March of last year when I accidentally (no, really) discovered that the Ritz-Carlton didn't offer pay-per-view porn options - and then face-planted into a glass door.  NOT related incidents, I assure you.

So I contacted the Ritz Carlton to voice my opinion on the injustice of it all.   I mean, the primary demographic for the Ritz Carlton is repressed rich people (and when I say "people", I really mean "men") who likely consider a night at the Ritz Carlton as an opportunity to escape their lives (and when I say "lives", I really mean "wives") and so they pack some lube and a toothbrush and settle in for an evening of pay-per-view fun and maybe a hooker or two.  Imagine their disappointment when they can only find MSNBC and the Disney Channel.

What a missed marketing opportunity.  Tragic.

The Ritz-Carlton people obviously didn't appreciate the genius of my logic.  Their loss.

But now Marriott is following suit (like the Ritz-Carlton wannabes that they always were).  But I LIKE Marriott.  I have all of my "frequent flier" points with Marriott.

My business travel usually involves a Marriott.

Oh NO!  All of those poor George Clooney/"Up In the Air"-esque business travelers!  What will they do?  There's a reason that half of these guys get into a business that requires ass-loads of they can get away from their families, order beer and steak topped with bacon and cream sauce, and watch porn in the privacy of their Marriott hotel room.

Now they'll have to...I can hardly say it...

...balance their computers on their laps and watch free porn on the computer!


Marriott says that the reason for the phase-out is due to a "transition to the next generation of in-room entertainment" that definitely does not include porn, and it is definitely not because they were getting lots and lots of pressure from "family values" groups (likely led by the high-strung, sexually repressed wives of the men who travel all of the time and stay at the Marriott to get away from them) and CERTAINLY NOT because Mitt Romney stepped down from the Marriott board after criticism that he didn't pressure Marriott enough on the whole porn thing and is about to announce his presidential aspirations - or at the very least to be Sarah Palin's butt, I mean, running mate.

Marriott also says that their revenues from adult pay-per-view content have been steadily decreasing... which is why they want to do away with the revenue COMPLETELY!

Makes total sense.

I guarantee that the people who are crying the loudest about the evils of porn are the ones who - when nobody is around - are holed up in their basements with a ball gag, a gallon of Crisco, a vibrator the size of a chainsaw and a subscription to  

I made that that last bit up.  The domain name still seems to be available if anybody's interested.


At least there's still the Westin.


  1. Damn it. I'm staying at the Marriott next week on a business trip. I guess I'll be downloading porn on my computer instead...

  2. That was sooooo funny! Vibrator the size of a chainsaw! lol

  3. Now I know what my new domain name will be.


  4. Many years ago on a business trip to Germany I accidentally managed to switch the porn channel on in my hotel room... This was after an extremely boozy night out at the hotel bar with my colleagues, and I think I was still drunk and somehow managed to do this without realizing what I'd done... I then headed to the shower, and only after coming back to the room did I realize what I'd done. I switfly switched the TV off and forgot the whole thing....until the next morning while checking out of the hotel -- with ten coworkers standing at the reception with me -- and the woman at the desk asked loudly whether I wanted to pay for last night movies separately. I was confused, sweating, and panicking and asked to see the check...and one of my colleagues stood next to me and shouted: oh no, how did you get the porn on, I tried and couldn't get it working !

    Of course nobody believed it was an accident.....and the worst thing is, I missed the damn movie myself !

  5. As an avid advocate of onanism, I decry this curtailing of our right to have something good to watch while flogging the bishop! Perverts of the world, UNITE! Let us march en masse to Marriott corporate headquarters and show them our... displeasure.

  6. No more porn?


    Guess it's back to alcohol, drugs and hookers, then.

  7. That's what the laptop is for...after all, the internet is for Porn. I have found the video that says so....

  8. You are so funny. I especially like the bit you made up. I was about to make that phonecall, too; I was so convinced of your cause. Talk about Draconian measures!

  9. I totally don't believe you. Only read the titles... Just like all the guys that 'read' Playboy for the articles?

  10. Well the new in room entertainment could be hookers for rent. Most likely they will now charge for the wifi or the cable which many upper class hotels do now. It's in the minibar of all places.

  11. Dammit! And I'm in the middle of producing soem excellent Marriot-themed porn! I'll have to re-tool it to be more Hampton Inn-ish.

  12. I've never been happier to be a Starwood Hotels member than I am now. Wait for me, "Butt Munch 7."

  13. This comment is entered way late, so Jane will probably never see it. But she asks, "What if it hadn't been the wire hangers that put Joan Crawford over the edge? What if had been, say, dirty tube socks left in the middle of the floor?" Well, according to Joan's recent bio "Not the Girl Next Door," on her wedding night with her first husband, Doug Fairbanks Jr., as the young man stripped down for the experience he dropped his socks on the floor. When Joan saw that she screamed, "PICK UP THOSE SOCKS!" That ruined the wedding night experience so far as he was concerned.