Saturday, February 12, 2011

Dear Valentine's Day, Suck it! Love & Kisses, Jane

Ahhh...Valentine's Day.

The holiday most likely to make you feel like an absolute, complete, total wretch.

Even if you are in a relationship, the expectation of the holiday is enough to drive anyone mad.  No matter what you do, it's never enough, is it?

And speaking as a female, it really is all about us.  Valentine's Day is a holiday where, you - the male - must bring us - the females - many presents.  You must make us feel beautiful and special and appreciated.  And face it, with only one day to work with and crazy expectations, only the power of magic Valentine fairies could make us feel beautiful and special and appreciated.

If you bring us chocolate, we won't eat it because it's fattening and will wish that you had given us flowers.  If you bring us flowers, we'll smile but then toss them in a day or two and wish that you had given us jewelry.  And if you bring us jewelry...well, maybe we actually will feel beautiful and special and appreciated...and you'll probably get laid.

And if you're single on Valentine's Day...oh holy hell.  You're faced with constant reminders on television, in the mall, in magazines, online and even in the grocery store of what a lonely loser you are.

Why has one day been set aside in the calendar year specifically to make everybody miserable?

I made the magnificent mistake the other day of watching the movie "Valentine's Day".  I wanted to stick my head in the oven halfway through.

Good thing I don't know how to turn on the oven.

But I'm coping.  I find that if I put on blinders and turn the cynicism up full blast, it makes it much easier.

Last week, I saw roses in the grocery store and felt sad.  Today, I saw roses in the grocery store and thought "what a crap gift...they'll be dead in a dumpster in two days".

Last week, I saw a happy commercial for some "real" couple who met on eHarmony and knew INSTANTLY that they were each other's sole mate and thought "awwww...that's sweet".  Today, I saw the same commercial and thought "I bet after they made that commercial they started having wicked fights about the fact that he only wants Kool-Aid instead of wine with dinner and won't move in with her because he would 'miss Mom'".

Last week, I saw a website that was featuring a stunning diamond necklace and thought "wow, that would be an amazing Valentine gift".  Today, I surfed by the same site and thought "wow, that would be an amazing Valentine gift".

Hey, everybody has a price.

I'm not completely alone in my cynicism.  The Princess has a crush on a 12-year old "older man", who apparently doesn't know that she is alive.  She saw the same flowers today in the grocery store and said "flowers are stupid".

We bumped fists.  Solidarity!

So on Valentine's Day, I'm going to grit my teeth, ignore the fuss and take the Princess out to dinner.

And maybe, just maybe, hope a little that there is love out there somewhere.


  1. Loved this post! and loved the mother-daughter fist bump!

  2. Hear,hear. Altho, here in Finland Feb. 14th is called the "Friendship Day" -- I think we've only celebrated this day since the 90's or something. And although it DOES have a special meaning to people who are in relationships, it is also a tradition to exchange cards with your friends only if you're single. Takes the pressure off a little bit. But just a little bit.
    Happy Valentine's anyway, maybe it will be a good one for all us singletons too if we just manage to keep the "love attitude" going. Right ?

  3. Other than that, how did you like the play, Mrs. Lincoln?

  4. I'm married and I still think Valentine's Day is stupid. I think women need to expect more. 1 lousy day out of the year???

    F that.

    Every day needs to be Valentine's Day, minus the hearts and all of that mushy shit.

  5. "Good thing I don't know how to turn on the oven."


    Happy Valentine's Day, Jane.

  6. I don't celebrate Valentines Day. I refuse to buy into the hype. Not that I don't love MY WIFE, you understand. I just do it differently than every other (whipped) guy on the planet.

    We met on February 10th. So, each year I let her know how special we are by doing something nice for her on that day, instead. This year, I sent her roses at her office. Believe me when I tell you, sending flowers to the office on any day OTHER than Valentines Day is much more effective. Every other woman in the office asked her, "What in hell did you do to get those?" And, when she answered, "Nothing. My Husband is just celebrating the day that we met," they were more jealous than they ever would have been if those had arrived four days later. And that's what it's all about!

    (Also, I love when she tells me the sick look the guys in her office get when she tells them that her husband remembers the day that we met. They go around the rest of the day wondering if it's something else they should be remembering.)

  7. This is the perfect Valentine's post. I'm a little late in reading it, but it's still perfect. I especially liked that line about the oven too.
    Thanks for your comment. The SF singles scene stinks all around.
    Hope you and your daughter had a lovely dinner.

  8. Fun post! I am a newlywed, and even I dont get worked up over this one. I ranted, er, "blogged" about it also.

    As for the movie Valentine's Day, it just blew. And apparently the director is now making New Year's Day, so now he can screw up another non-holiday for all of us. Bastard.

  9. I more-or-less gave you an award over at my place. If you're anything like me, I'm in trouble.