Thursday, February 24, 2011

Toilets and Blog Awards (and is there really much difference?)

I've been sick.  Like laying-sprawled-out-on-the-bathroom-floor-with-a-bucket-and-a-crucifix sick.

It hit me like a piano on Wile. E. Coyote Monday afternoon.  One minute I was watching People's Court and cranking out work emails, and the next minute I...was...SICK.  (And - NO - snide commenters, it wasn't People's Court that made me sick.  I will hear no blasphemy against People's Court!)

I spent most of Monday night on the floor of my bathroom with, like, nine comforters, trying to keep warm and yet remain within hurling distance of the toilet.

And, man, I really need to clean behind the toilet.

I managed to crawl into bed sometime Tuesday morning, just in time for the construction workers to start drilling into the wall three feet from my bed.

Now I live in a newish building.  But for some reason the company that owns the building has decided that it was improperly constructed and is now rotting because of water damage and will probably fall in on itself during the next large wind storm so they need to demolish all of our balconies and rebuild them or something like that.

I don't understand it either.  I just know that every morning at 7:58, workers show up on the scaffold outside my bedroom and start pounding things and drilling things and yelling at each other in Spanish.

And I really wish that after four years of high school Spanish, I could understand more than "biblioteca" and "cerveza".  It could be so much more entertaining if I knew what they were yelling.  Or not.  Who knows?

It's hard to be pissed when you're sick, but I was pissed.  So I called the "resident liaison" for the apartment management company.

Me:  I am, really really sick.  And the workers are pounding on the walls and every time they pound on the walls I need to hurl again.  Can you please ask the workers if they can work on a different part of the building today?  Pleaaaaaaaaase.

Him:  Well, I'd like to be able to do that for you but we are on a very tight construction schedule.

Me:  Sir, I don't really give a shit about your construction schedule.  I only care that I'm sick and I want to be in my bed under exactly 19 blankets.  And I want it to be dark.  And I want it to be quiet.  Very very quiet.

Him:  I guess we could offer you one of our empty apartments in one of the other buildings.  It's furnished and it would be quiet there.

Me:  Um.  No, no.  I don't want to vomit in somebody else's toilet.  I want to vomit in MY toilet.

Him:  Oh.  Well, we're on a very tight construction schedule.

I hung up on him.  I buried my head under all 19 blankets, tried to ignore the chainsaw right outside my bedroom window, and dreamt of removing scaffolding screws.

I'm more or less back among the living, but because I had to pay my respects for many days to the porcelian goddess, I have not been able to properly respond to Suldog's "award".

Yes, Mr. "IHATEAWARDS" Suldog gave me a "Versatile Blogger" award or some shit.  I think he either ran out of things to write about or just really hates me.

Bad Award

Those of you who have been with me for awhile know that I'm not such a big fan of awards either.  I appreciate the sentiment, but, really, what's the point.  It's like proudly displaying your 4th place bowling trophy when there were only 4 teams.  

And I'm not versatile.  Versatile means to be able to do many things competently.  I can't even do one thing competently.

Well, except vomit.  I found out that I do that pretty well.

But because I find Suldog somewhat tolerable, I'll abide by some of his rules.  I think I had to link back to him (check), list some things about myself (see below), and pass the award to some other poor slobs (not gonna happen).

Random facts about Jane:

1.  I eat paste.
2.  When I was sick and delirious, I needed to call in my daughter's absence at school because she was in Portland with her dad and couldn't come home yet because I was too sick to go and get her at the airport and I so called and left a message on the absence line at her old elementary school instead of her current middle school and then acted all indignant when my ex called and asked why her school was calling him and saying that I didn't call.  I did call!  I just called the wrong school.  No fuckin' perfect attendance this year...thank gawd!
3.  A couple of weekends ago, I stretched out on the couch with a bag of take-out Tai food and watched five straight hours of "Pawn Stars".
4.  I know every word to "Paradise by the Dashboard Light".
5.  I think men will be totally attracted to me when they find out #4.

So, that's it.  

But I don't want to completely kill the award.  So I made a new one.  In honor of Sully's newish teeth.  

And I'm giving it back to Suldog.  Cuz I don't want this shit.


  1. I remember eating paste (whoops--are you well yet?). I about choked reading your account of your sickness. When you get cozy with your toilet, you really do see all the dirt behind it. I try to keep mine "vomitable" at all times. ;-)

  2. That is to say...I about choked READING your blog with laughter!

  3. There is nothing wrong with the 4th place out of 4 teams bowling trophy. I proudly display mine next to my "Tried pretty hard" trophy on the mantle.

  4. Glad you're feeling better. And that's a great shot of Suldog!

  5. Great post - thanks for the laugh - though I FEEL for you least favorite sickness thing to do...I hope the manager dude learns how obnoxious it is to listen to drilling and pounding when one is sick as a dog...karma's a bitch, baby...

  6. Are you sure it wasn't The People's Court? Just sayin....

  7. Hee-Hee. I am suitably honored (whatever in hell THAT might mean in this instance.) I bow before you for some reason or another, possibly my inferiority complex. And I thank you for the award. If my new teeth ever break, I'll be around to kidnap your dog. Thank you.

  8. Don't mind the guys outside. They're just watching you through the window. Feel better soon.

  9. Maybe you have AIDS? Or the clap? Regardless, feel better soon!

  10. Toilets and Blog Awards (and is there really much difference?)

    Try posting a toilet in your sidebar?
    It appears you just got away with giving Suldog an award. Nice going.

  11. Oh that is nasty sick, you poor thing.

  12. Fist pump for People's Court ha ha. p.s. I always notice how disgusting I truly think my bathroom is when I am sick and wish that I always mopped the floor and cleaned behind the toilet but when I start feeling well again magically my bathroom seems less disgusting and I still have not energy to clean it. Oops