First class - she just ain't classy no more

I travel…a lot.  Some if it is business travel.  Some of it is personal (i.e. going to see the Boy) travel.  Some of it, like this trip, is a combination of both.  Regardless, I’m in airports A LOT.

The state of travel has been deteriorating for some time.  This is not news.  I’m not going to go on and on with a general diatribe against airlines and airline passengers.

I’m going to start providing specific examples.

Let me start by saying that I don’t particularly love US Airways.  There is absolutely nothing special about them and, more often that not, they irritate the piss out of me.  But I fly them a lot because their hubs are in cities that I need to go to.  As a result, I have become a “Gold” member, which makes me giddy for no particular reason.  I don’t know exactly what it means, but I evidently no longer have to pay for my bags, wait in lines and they regularly bump me up to first class.  Cool, right?  I love that feeling of gliding by sad grumpy coach-class people (even though I am usually a sad grumpy coach-class person) when they announce “We’d like to board our First Class Customers now”.  I waltz down the jetway, claim my cushy seat and accept the glass of wine being offered by the pocket gay flight attendant.

This is the end of the benefit of flying first class.  There really isn’t anything else.

Case in point…yesterday I settled in for a flight to Tampa, ready to kick back and enjoy the calm, quiet, refined aura of first class.  But then a woman with two very small children took the seats right across from me.  This can’t be right?  Who brings babies in first class?!  No no no no….

Turns out – the babies were great!  Their supermom juggled them, fed them, changed them (NOT in the seat as I’ve seen in the past), and kept them sleepy and happy.  They even covered their mouths when they coughed!  LOVE this mom!

The problem was the woman sitting next to me.  As soon as I sat down she shoved at least 3 pieces of gum in her mouth and proceeded to chew them with her mouth open.  And I got to watch.  Fun! 

Woman: Hi.  (chomp) (chomp) (spit) I’m sorry I have so much stuff.  Do you mind if I use all this center area? (chomp) (chomp)

Me: …(wiping spit off my arms)

And this woman could CHEW!  She chewed for HOURS.  Her jaw strength and endurance was amazing.  If she has a man in her life that can put up with the gum chewing, I’m willing to be that, with that mouth strength, he is a VERY happy man.

An hour into the flight she kicked off her tall black boots (eww).  And proceeded to make several trips to the bathroom…in her socks!

I looked around at my fellow passengers to see if I was the only one that was appalled by socks in the ‘pee on the floor closet’…three were asleep and one was elbow deep into his nose.

Eww.  

Just observations from one travel day.  More to come.

"Honey, it ain't from Target" Tuesday

I’ve been in something of a shopping dry spell.  I’m at the point in the budget cycle where when I try to use my AmEx card, I feel like I’m rolling the dice.  If it’s approved, its because me and my purchase were most certainly meant to be.  If not, it’s because it made me look fat and AmEx secretly knew this.  Lately, I’ve been laying off, however, and my AmEx card has been all like “whew”. 

But my bonus from work comes next week, so I’ve been making my list and checking it twice. 

First stop (after the obligatory contribution to savings, 401K, blah blah, blah).  J Brand.

(J Brand Houlihan Twill Cargo Pants – also in black & khaki - $231)

I haven’t tried these on yet so my dressing room experience may be “Oh hell no”, but hope springs eternal.

I have adored this Fiona Paxton necklace from afar for months.  It’s the perfect statement piece with, well, everything.

(Fiona Paxton Coco Zig Zag Necklace - $338)

I’ve always been a big fan of Joie, and I’m kinda digging their new line Joie Soft.  It looks cozy.  I love cozy.  I spend obscene amounts of money on cozy. 

(Soft Joie Griffith Asymmetrical Pocket Tank - $48)

And finish it all up with these crazy cute peep toe booties.  The heel is a foot-forgiving 3 inches.  The Boy is all on board with these but just because he’s tired of carrying my ass (it’s a subtle over the shoulder toss actually) when I get all whiny about my 4 inch-ers.

(Loeffler Randall Honey Open-Toe Cutout Booties - $550)

 Off to Florida! My hopes for this trip....more baseball, more Boy, less Nyquil.

California is farting rainbows!

We here in California have to deal with many things...state bankruptcy, public schools without art and music, vouchers instead of tax returns, Ah-nold, snails and lots and lots of crazy - but, DAMN, we do good rainbows.

(View from my balcony today - I pay extra for rainbow views)

The Princess asked if I thought there was a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow (which looks to be somwhere around the middle of San Francisco Bay...or Oakland...ok, probably not Oakland).  But since this is a California rainbow...

• There is likely a voucher at the bottom of the empty pot that can be redeemed with the State of California upon its solvency.
• The leprechauns are gone because they have unionized and are now striking.
• There are inevitably protestors at the bottom of the rainbow.  Californians love a good protest.  Could be anything...protests that the rainbow colors are too much like gay pride colors which can't be right because God hates gay people, protests against the anti-rainbow protestors because the rainbow is a show of gay pride and because God loves gay people, protests against unionized leprechauns, protests against leprechaun scabs who have crossed the picket line, Berkeley protestors that don't have anything else to protest at the moment, Sean Penn, etc.

It's all ok.  We still do good rainbow.

Paris in the Carolinas

My BFF-est friend, K, lives in North Carolina.  I, of course, live in San Francisco.  We don’t see each other very often, but when we do, we are farting sunshine and lollipops.   If we were lesbians, we would have been standing on the courthouse steps (in, evidently, any other state besides California) in fabulous matching Vera Wang dresses years ago.

She is the only person in the world that I can shop with and remain sane.  We shop with one brain – a shopping Star Trek Borg, as it were.  We enter a store, separate, comment occasionally as warranted, try on, critique, provide blessing on the other’s picks, and ultimately walk out with identical purchases. 

A couple of years ago, K and her husband, B, adopted a beautiful boy from Guatemala, who I will call Derekjeter, because that is the name that I firmly believe B wanted before he was overruled by K.  K and B also have a gorgeous puppy named Paris, who was an only child before Derekjeter arrived.

This is Paris. 

Paris is looking very sheepish – not because she is pursued and loved on daily basis by a very energetic Derekjeter, and not because she is now second fiddle in the household…

But because K decided that it would be heeeeesterical to put Paris in a dog Snuggie for Christmas.

Paris, who was named after the most beautiful and fashionable city in the world and who is usually decked out in sparkly, shiny, designer collars – was, of course, mortified at this turn of events.

K says that Paris won’t wear her Snuggie anymore.  Frankly, I can’t say I blame her.  I’m sure she’s all like “Bitch, you’re not putting that shit on me again.  Just wait…one day I’m gonna stuff YOU in a pink Snuggie.  And I bet I could get Derekjeter to help me.  He looked kinda pissed when you made him wear that gay J Crew polo shirt.”

My advice to K – next time bedazzle the Snuggie.  Paris will love it.  You should bedazzle Derekjeter’s polo shirts too.  B will LOVE it.

So you think your sh*t don’t stink?!

A couple of nights ago, I mentioned a newly discovered miracle of modern science – Poofdrops.   After seconds of agonizing internal debate and after Kelly @ Dare To Be Domestic asked the age-old question, “Should one’s poo really smell like Japanese Mint?”, I had to find out.

Poofdrops are on the way!  Clinical trial is about to begin.

I’m so excited!

For those of you who weren’t here for this exciting, Nyquil-fueled discovery, Poofdrops are tiny toilet drops that supposedly take the eww out of poo.

(not my jeans - my jeans would be WAY cuter)

The Poofdrops testimonials are riveting…

“Poof is a staple in the actor trailers on the sets in Hollywood" - Anonymous, Hollywood, CA

This has GOT to be from Nicole Kidman’s assistant.  Nicole was probably all “Tom Cruise dumped me because I kept clogging the toilet with my giant stank dumps and he said I was shitting all my thetans away.  Maybe if my thetans smelled like Japanese Mint, he would love me again.”

"Poof is like no other bathroom product on the market!  It has helped me remain anonymous in the bathroom...especially at work!"  - Sasha, Honolulu, HI

Anonymous in the bathroom?  This makes me think that poor Sasha has previously been picked out of the proverbial “poo line-up”.  Tsk tsk.

According to the website, “Poof's original scent, Japanese Mint, was researched and developed to emit a subtle, fresh and clean aroma that will take you to a far away, exotic land.”

Fabulous!

Clinical trial parameters: one participant (n=1) unless the Boy wants to participate too.  From what he tells me, he may want to carry around a case or two of this to quash the aromas emanating from the clubhouse bathroom (in which case n=~50). 

Clinical trial questions:

(1) Does my poo smell of Japanese Mint?

(2) What does Japanese Mint smell like? (like poo?)

(3) Does the subtle, fresh and clean aroma of my poo take me to a far away, exotic land?

Clinical trial endpoint: My shit don’t stink.

Stay tuned.

Do NOT come between a Princess and her yarn…she will f*&k you up

The Princess has taken up the very cute hobby of finger-knitting long scarf-like things.  Being a non-hobby, anti-yarn type myself, I can only describe finger-knitting as wrapping yarn around your fingers in loops and pulling occasionally (the yarn, not the finger).

She has deemed me the worthy recipient of 3 such creations, which I have hung proudly on my bedroom mirror along with the other things that the Princess bestows on me from time to time.

A couple of nights ago, while I was in Florida, I get a call from the Princess, which goes something like this…

Princess:  Hi Mommy.  I love you.  I ran out of yarn and I like the purple yarn in the scarf I made you so can I have the purple scarf back so I can use the purple yarn?

Me: But I love the scarf…

Princess: But you never wear it so I want it back. (point – Princess)

Me: I do too wear it! (horrible awful lie; negative points - me) 

Princess: So can I have it back?

Me: No.

Princess: Fine! (hangs up on me)

Me to the Boy: She HUNG UP ON ME?!

Keep in mind that this is the sweet child who only one day before had secretly packed her dolly (aptly named "Dolly") in my suitcase with a note...

One hour, one dinner and several glasses of wine later, I happen to look at my phone and see that she has texted me this…

“Itz not a big deal just keep it if you love it so much”

And I crack UP.  These are not the words of a 10-year old girl.  These are the shadows of things to come.  The text of drama queen.  Something I would write actually. 

I’m including a screen shot of this text for factual verification and because there is also a fascinating discussion of the dog’s pooping schedule.

I am happy to say that all drama has been resolved.  The Princess called me later that night to say, “I love you, Mommy!  Daddy says I can’t hang up on you anymore.” (point - Ex)  

Honey, it ain't (cough, hack, wheeze) Target Tuesday

It's supposed to be anti-Target fashion-y day here, but I feel a bit like a hypocrite since I just got back from a run to...sigh...Target.  I really really really needed cold medicine and tissues.  I COULD have also picked up a Snuggie (for both myself AND Ted), but I retained my dignity and refrained.

It's been an all-day-long cold medicine high.  You know when you're talking and you know you're saying something and you can hear yourself saying something but your brain isn't quite registering what it is saying?  That has been me.  All day.

And to make things fun and interesting, I went to work.

I could hear my voice...knew I was speaking...but I have NO idea what I said today.

I imagine it went something like this...

Boss: Were you able to finish up the report for finance this morning?
Me: Did you know that it is impossible to lick your own elbow?
Boss: ...
Me: ((trying to lick elbow))


I may also have ordered an Alexander Wang bag, a Roomba, a plasma screen TV, and crate of poofdrops (the name is - I swear - much funnier after a few shots of Nyquil).

And if I'm starting to remember, it must be time for more cold medicine.