Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Dude, there's a big dead bear outside your store.

When I saw the title of Salt's most recent post, I immediately thought that she was writing about a bear incident that has been making the news in the Bay Area.

I was COMPLETELY off on this one (sorry Salt), but it made me think about this poor headline-making bear some more.

Click here for a link to the news story.

In a nutshell...

A guy walks into a meat market (sounds like the beginning of a great joke, right?) and mentions to the clerk that "Hey, there's a huge dead bear on the sidewalk outside of your store!".

And, sure enough, there was a huge dead bear on the sidewalk outside of the store.

It appears that the 300 lb black bear had been fatally shot in the shoulder and dumped outside the residential area market.

So how does a 300 lb bear end up in front of a meat market?

The Bay Area is just all aflutter with the possibilities.  Even though this is Northern California and we have lots and lots of bears and lots and lots of stupid people and it is bear hunting season, one of our crack local news teams called the Oakland Zoo to make sure they had all their bears.

Reporter:  OHMYGODTHERESADEADBEAROUTHEREDOYOUHAVEALLYOURBEARS?!?!


Zoo Representative:  Huh?


Reporter: BEAR! DO YOU HAVE ALL YOUR BEARS?!


Zoo Representative:  Yah, um, why again?


Reporter:  THERE'S A DEAD BLACK BEAR IN SAN LEANDRO!


Zoo Representative:  You know it's hunting season, right?


Reporter:  BLACK BEARS!  AGH!


Zoo Representative:  The Oakland Zoo only has Borneo Sun bears, sir.  We don't have any black bears.


Reporter:  IT COULD BE ONE OF YOUR BEARS....OH MY GOD WHAT A GREAT STORY IT WOULD BE IF IT WAS ONE OF YOUR BEARS!  "OAKLAND BEAR TRAGICALLY SHOT TRYING TO ESCAPE LIFE IN OAKLAND!"  OH MY GOD KATIE COURIC MIGHT WANT TO DO ME AFTER THIS!!

Zoo Representative:  We don't have black bears, sir.


Reporter:  GO COUNT YOUR FUCKING BEARS!


Zoo Representative to colleague:  Norma, please go count the bears.


Norma:  Why?


Reporter:  AGH!


Zoo Representative:  GO COUNT THE FUCKING BEARS!

Needless to say all bears in the Oakland Zoo were present and accounted for.  I can just picture them raising their arms one at a time as the zoo personnel called out the roll...

Zoo personnel:  Bob?


Bob:  Here.


Zoo personnel:  Sheila?


Sheila:  Yup.


Zoo personnel:  Ducky?  ((silence))  Ducky?


Ducky:  here


Zoo personnel:  What's wrong with you, Ducky?  Bob, you can put your arm down now.


Ducky:  nothin


Zoo personnel:  Ducky, did you have anything to do with the dead bear?  Bob, seriously, put your arm down.


Ducky:  ((silence))


Sheila:  Ducky ordered the hit.


Zoo personnel:  Ducky???


Ducky:  Shut the fuck up, Sheila!  Man, dude was an ASSHOLE!  Owed me MONEY.  DUMPED my sister.  Fuckah DESERVED what was coming.  He's TACO meat now, man!

That's one theory at least.

Frankly, my own personal opinion is that the poor thing offed himself after having to watch hours and hours of Meg Whitman / Jerry Brown ads for the California governor's race.  Lost his will to live.

I understand completely.

14 comments:

  1. BEARS!!! AAAAAAGH!!!

    This is easily my most favorite thing I've read all day. I'm glad that I was able to offer you the inspiration with which to write it.

    Mmmmmm bear tacos.

    EDIT: I had to edit the post to tell you that my word verification was geoBEAR. I'm not kidding.

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  2. Da Bears! 3-0, baby!

    Off topic? Who cares!! :)

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  3. Insan. Bears Taco, I meant. Sh%$, are you seriouuuusssss??? I can't over that,..

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  4. Next thing ya know, you'll be saying there are farms in Berkley.

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  5. Clearly a gang-related crime; "da Bears" gang was trying to muscle in on "da Cougar" gang for control of the neighborhood. Typical urban blight, nothing to see here, folks, keep moving.

    Cops just shot a cougar in our town. I'm telling you if we don't get jobs for these animals they'll just take over our neighborhoods.

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  6. Haha I loved the bear roll call you imagined! So clever!

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  7. Oakland Bears? I thought they were from Chicago...

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  8. Great post! Love the pinky swear!

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  9. I can't believe I didn't hear about this before, living pretty close to San Leandro. I'm glad, though, since your posts are so much more entertaining that any media coverage.
    xoRobyn

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  10. BAHAHAHA, thanks for the laugh!!! Seriously though, this is very bizarre. How does one go about dumping a 300 pound bear anywhere?

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  11. My mother once made a pie crust with the lard of a black bear, it was not tasty.

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  12. Big damn laughs. Made me LOL about four or five times here. Thank you!

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