Wednesday, October 27, 2010

When hippies have a baseball team...

Baseball fever has struck San Francisco.  The Giants are in the World Series.

This has come as much of a surprise to most residents of the area who weren't really aware that San Francisco had a baseball team...or that there is a sport called baseball.

But they seem to have - after likely inhaling large quantities of pot - adapted quite well to the idea.

This is a city that prides itself on many things - the intellectuals, the liberals, the pot, the tree huggers, the techies, the arts, the pot, the environmentalists...the liberal intellectual tree-hugging art-loving environmentally-savvy pot-smoking techies...

When you ask your average sports fan to name the greatest sports cities, however, chances are San Francisco is not going to be at the top of the list.

After all, it's hard to swing a bat when you're high.  (Pitching is apparently an entirely different story.)

The city is exited about the Giants.  Everybody wears orange.  Giants flags flutter proudly from the back of the city's fire trucks.  Coit Tower glows with orange lights.

The local newscasters are giddy.  OMG, they have something to talk about besides shootings in Oakland and fog!

Now, I'm not a fan of the local news reporters anyway - we have one or two that would make Ron Burgundy jealous - but hosting the World Series has seemingly pushed them over the edge of reason and good taste.  Case in point...I watched a report the other night about the "cultural differences between Texas and San Francisco".  Right out of the box, the over-excited reporter deducted that the difference was, and I quote, "gays and pot."  Seriously...gays and pot?!  So on the flip side, did his Texas counterpart deduct that the difference was "steers and queers"?

He then went on to - not kidding - interview the homeless people on their thoughts on the Giants.  It went something like...

Reporter to homeless man:  So how about those Giants!  Are you a Giants fan?

Homeless man:  Dude, can you spare some change?

Reporter:  Have you seen lots of Giants fans out here on the street?

Homeless man:  Do you have any food?

Reporter:  Will you be heading down to AT&T Park to enjoy the excitement of the crowds during the World Series?

Homeless man:  Do you have any pot?

I wish I was kidding.

Candace got me thinking about the differences between the Ranger fans and the Giants fans.  Go here for her observations on deer antlers and the "claw".  Let's examine the San Francisco side of the story.

The panda hat.

Adults wearing stuffed bear heads.  This is homage to Pablo Sandoval, the Giants third baseman who is lovingly referred to as the "Kung Fu Panda".

I don't get it.  Pandas are fat and slow and don't do much except eat and shit.  Frankly, I think this is a uniquely west coast passive-aggressive way to make fun of the fat kid on the team...but who am I to judge?

My friend, S, who is my friend despite this look.

San Diego Zoo panda taking a dump...not exactly the symbol of stealth and speed

The beard.

At some point towards the end of the regular season, Giants pitcher, Brian Wilson, started growing a beard in solidarity or something stupid like that and dyed it shoe-polish black.  So Giants fans decided it would be fun and stylish to attach foam beards to their faces....or tape them...or glue them...or whatever seemed sensible after a bowl and a bag of Cheetos.

They carry signs that scream "Fear the Beard!", which, like the strange choice of the claw or the deer antlers in Texas, doesn't really seem to inspire all that much fear.

This really speaks for itself.

And I won't even go into the "Jersey Shore Fist Pump" dance that is featured between innings.  

I think it's fair to say that both cities have lost their fucking minds.  But in a week or so, Texans will remember that they actually shoot deer and San Franciscans will remember that foam beards are not biodegradable, and both will recover from their World Series hangovers and return to their roots.

Except by the time the World Series is over, pot may be legal in California and San Francisco probably won't remember any of it anyway.


  1. You kill me! Yes Ron Burgundy would be a fantastic addition! I never thought I would feel the way I did about the band wagon Charger fans in the 1995 Super Bowl against The 49ers about fans in my own city... Local news at its best at Lefty's...
    Reporter - "did you enjoy the game"
    Dumb girl in Orange and Black - "this is the first baseball game I have watched.... shriek.. I watched the entire game"
    Me - Yelling at the TV - "you dumb girl in orange and black... why must you make all of us look dumb"

    Anyway.... I still love you! (p.s my nick name Panda has been in effect for 5+years - and it's not cause I'm Asian -HAHAHA)


  2. I know a few fast-pitch softball players who would disagree concerning your assessment vis-a-vis smoking pot and swinging a bat. It actually focuses you quite well. What you lose in reaction time is made up for by tunnelvision. Or something like that.

    I'm not one of them. Although I've enjoyed the occasional toke through the years, the only sport I found compatible with being stoned was bowling. And miniature golf, if you don't get too hung up on the windmill hole.

  3. "Seriously...gays and pot?!"
    It's why there are so few native San Franciscans left in San Francisco.

    The bandwagon fans are so obnoxious that the real, longtime fans just cringe.
    The beards and panda heads have to be of some help in keeping those folks warm during the games?

    Then there was Jerry Garcia bobblehead night. Even the Giants front office is into the insanity... though Jerry was a fan.

  4. What a blog! Where else could one go to experience panda poo?

  5. Great piece! As a Yankee fan, I want to see someone (ie. the Giants) take down the friggin' antler/claw Rangers.

    Brian Wilson looks like he's in the Witness Protection Program.

  6. I just read through a bunch of your posts and they are hysterical! I laughed so hard I have to follow you!

  7. While shopping at the grocery store last night they annouced over the PA waht the score was, I had to laugh a little because SF fever might be a little silly.

  8. Giants didn't win. The Phils lost. And there is a difference. If the Phillies had played to their potential, the Giants would be sitting at home watching. Period.

  9. Travel - You're lucky I didn't pull out the picture of you skydiving in your panda hat...just sayin. XO

    Suldog - Or really any sport where you can play and eat Cheetos at the same time.

    IT - I have some longtime fan friends who cringe at it all and others who put on their panda hats, staple on their beards, light up a joint and say the more the merrier (not necessarily in that order).

    Nick - I'm trying to corner the Google search market on panda shit.

    Chris - We're all just grateful that Tim Lincecum opted out of the whole beard thing. It's bad enough.

    Eva - Welcome! Love your stuff!

    Linlah - But good for business.

    Matty - How right you are. I just think that this year is the Giants' year.

  10. Nice. Sounds like your news anchors are just about as retarded as the ones here.

    Interviewing the homeless on baseball? Fucking genius!